Tuesday, June 28, 2011

New Life Emerging...

When Stewart was first killed, the word that resonated in my spirit is this:

"Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth & dies, it remains by itself alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit." (John 12:24)

I knew there was much significance in this truth & how it pertained to Stewart's death even though I could only begin to wrap my mind around it. Through death, comes life... It takes death to bring about life, to bear new fruit. I knew instinctually that through Stewart's death, fruit would be borne...

In the past few weeks, I have entered into a new season of this journey. It's interesting to me how something so invisible as a feeling & a sense of a season can be so tangible & so real. Along with the sense of a new season has come the hindsight of where I have come from...

I am able to see & feel so clearly, that just like a grain of wheat that has died, & by it borne much fruit, that not only has Stewart died, but I have died too...
I have walked through a hard season of grief & death. And now, all of a sudden, there is new life emerging.

One of the beautiful blessings I gained from being married to Stewart was how knowing him & being loved by him, made me blossom & grow. I am a stronger person & more alive from knowing him than I ever was without him. He encouraged my strengths & nurtured me where I was weak. The only way I can describe the experience is to say that it allowed me to begin to blossom into the woman God has created me to be.

But in hindsight, looking back on where I have come from as I sense this new season emerging, I see parts of me that I didn't even know existed are growing, getting stronger, & starting to blossom. New facets of me. It feels as though I died, but now am growing stronger & becoming more alive through experiencing Stewart's death & coming face to face with my deepest fear. I'm seeing that God is intricately involved in all that I am, & all that I face. I'm seeing a natural rhythm to life. I believe I am beginning to see the flowers that blossom before the fruit is borne... New parts of me God is strengthening & refining.

As through death, pain touches a level of the spirit that opens us up in a very vulnerable way. It's a deep place that only God can fill. And if we will give it to Him completely yielded, trusting in His purpose, what a beautiful opportunity it becomes to experience the heart of God & become acquainted with the term "intimacy with the Almighty." As I have yielded this pain & this journey, the Spirit of God has come & been faithful to satisfy me with His presence, His grace, His love, and a supernatural joy, peace & trust in His purpose...

I see the beauty of Stewart's life & I am truly beginning to see beauty in his death...


  1. thanks for sharing my sister. May the Lord continue to tend your soul. Love, Janna

  2. Life after grief and pain is definitely a journey. Would I say that I'd *choose* to go what I went through to get to where I'm at now? Not necessarily. Would I trade the lessons I've learned just to walk again? I honestly don't know. But I do know. like you, I am a different person than I was 11 years ago. Wow. 11 years. It seems just like yesterday sometimes. I have found that there are moments of grief throughout this life, though they don't happen as often now. It's good to see you're blossoming and growing, learning who God wants you to be yet reflecting on the goodness that Stewart exemplified. He is missed and was an angel on earth. Though I still don't think it was fair that he was taken from you, I'm blessed to know that you continue to reflect on not only Stewart's memory but the beauty of Christ in all of this.

    I pray you continue to lean on your Shepherd during the times you need to rest by the still waters, yet dance in the fields of lilies knowing He hasn't abandoned you. Love you.

  3. I love the blog, keep them coming, it is a testiment of Gods love. Thank you sister for sharing. Much love.

  4. Your blog is something I look forward to reading all the time.. constantly checking it to see what other lessons I could take from your journey. I have felt and heard of Gods strength, and of leaning on God, but I have never known pain such as yours and my mind is scrambled by the real strength / understanding / peace you have been able to find in Him. Pulling from his words and letting them completely surround you, letting them cover you. I have also been reading Alyson's blog, and what she said in her comment made me stop in my tracks.. "Would I say that I'd *choose* to go through what I went through to get to where I'm at now? Not necessarily" It made me wonder if that is what my deal is ... I have "not fully choosen". My mind doesn't understand the level to which you both can pull on the strength of God because I haven't choosen to so decidedly. Is that to say that people who don't know real tragidy such as yours have to choose , really choose to lean on God? You guys have really made me sit up and take stock of what I call my very blessed life. Thinking that I do trust and lean on Jesus, but thinking that there is NO WAY I could deal with the tragic circumstances that you two are.. wonder how you could possible be okay right now... Do I truely trust, obey, seek, the Lord in all I do? Do I truely lean on Him, allow Him to completely guide my every day? Sadly, I don't think I do. :( Through this world on internet, FB, blogs I have found you and through Stewart's death and your story, I have begun to truely take a look in the mirror at my own faith and commitment to God. I hope everyones eyes can be opened to Him as you have and are constantly challenging mine to be. Thank you Rachel, Alyson, and Stewart... You'll never know how deeply you've touched my life... LUV